Step
1: Crawling
WAY under an old car and doing work causes greasy dirt to fall on
your face and shirt (or floor, which tends to end up on the back of
your shirt, shorts and legs).
Step
2: Crawling
WAY under a car so you can watch as you add oil above your head causes
oil to drip on your face and shirt (or floor, which tends to end up
on the back of your shirt, shorts and legs).
Step
3: Do
NOT wear shorts to a party if you have failed to wash off your legs
in the shower.
Step
4: Do
not open the oil DRAIN plug on the bottom of the tranny before you
have ascertained that you have the tools and where-with-all to open
up the oil FILL plug on the SIDE of the transmission. Don’t ask me
how I know this, but pushing oil uphill into an open hole is NOT practical,
plus, see # 1, 2, &3 above.
Step
5: Do
NOT assume there is actually room to fill the tranny thru the side
hole with just the tiny little spout that comes with the tranny oil
(see # 1,2, & 3 above).
Step
6: Make
sure that the tube you rig on the oil bottle to reach the hole in
the side of the tranny is well secured, otherwise it can (and will)
detach while in use. Refer to #1,2, & 3 above.
Step
7: You
know that plastic cap the size of a quarter on the end of the tube
from the oil bottle? Well, do NOT remove it toooo closely to the fill
hole in the side of the tranny, which is also the size of a quarter.
(You just think it popped off into the oil pan nearby.)
Step
8: You can squeeze on the oil bottle harder
if you reach around the rear axle area. However, REMEMBER increased
pressure on the bottle tends to blow off the tube you failed to secure
for this new, higher pressure. (See # 2 & 3 above)
Step
9: If
you have had a CV Joint Boot fail in the past, they spray this really
yucky grease all over the adjacent area. You will find this on your
arm after reaching around the rear axle area as recommended above.
HINT: This grease ain’t coming out of your clothes – EVER! Don’t ask
me how I know this, but it DOES leave a ring in the washer.
Step
10: You
know the tranny is full of oil when it starts to come back out of
the fill hole. See # 2 & 3 above.
Step
11: It
is wise to check and see if that little plastic cap actually fell
into the oil drain pan (or on the floor nearby) BEFORE you fill the
tranny with 4 quarts of oil. Murphy’s law says it may have gone into
the oil fill hole – and sure enough, IT DID!
Step
12: Wonder
what a plastic cap could do to a transmission, to the shift forks
and sliders and ball bearings? Me too. Figuring out that Mr. Murphy
would surely come to visit me AGAIN, I decide to try and find that
cap.
Step
13: Drain
out brand new tranny oil. NO CAP appears – hey, Murphy is still here,
what did you expect! Reach into oil drain hole – only diff gear can
be felt. Oil spills out. Reach into oil fill hole. No cap but oil
spills out. (see # 2 & 3 above)
Step
14: Decide
to remove an access cover plate – 4 bolts, about 2” x 3” in size –
on bottom of tranny. Hint – access plate removal will quickly disclose
that not ALL of the oil has drained from the oil drain hole. (see
# 2 & 3 above)
Step
15: Related:
Q. Where does one find a Porsche inspection plate gasket on a Sunday
afternoon? A: One doesn’t.
Step
16: Get
mirrors and flashlight and bend so many ways that Houdini would be
proud. Lo and behold, there is the plastic cap! Get a piece of wire,
custom bend it and finally recover the plastic cap from the gear box.
(Hint – make your wire piece long enough that IT won’t get dropped
into the tranny and cause more problems that you had to start with.)
(Don’t ask me how I know this.)
Step
17: Go
to store, get more tranny oil. CAUTION – by this point do not crawl
into wife’s Suburban without putting a towel on the seating area to
keep YOUR grease from getting on HER clothes. (Don’t ask me how I
know this.)
Step
18: Hint
– for $2.99, O’Reillys has this neat tube that attaches to oil bottles
and does not come off! Suggest you move this Hint to much higher above
on your list.
Step
19: Hint
– remember to install the drain plug BEFORE putting oil into the oil
fill hole. (you guessed it, see # 2 & 3 above)
Step
20: Hint
– when you finish filling the oil and the tube is laid down on the
floor, some oil will leak out – ditto the # 2 & 3 above remark).
Step
21: Hint
- A few paper towels sprayed with solvent will remove the grease ring
from a clothes washer. (Don’t ask how I know this, and don’t tell
Janelle, OK?)
Step
22: Observation:
A mixture of one third Mr. Clean, one third dishwasher soap, and one
third hot water will remove MOST of this greasy mess from your garage
floor and also cleans cuticles fairly well after about 45 minutes
of work.
Step23:
Observation:
Any car repair that measures paper towel usage in number of “rolls
of towels” versus just the number of “towels” might not be considered
a complete success!
Step
24: Observation:
For people over 50, crawling WAY under the car more times than your
age tends to leave you a bit stiff!
Step
25: Observation:
Sometimes you are better off just paying Sam the mechanic to do stuff
for you!
Step
26: Observation:
Excess wine the evening before induces a certain level of poor decision
making tendencies the next day. And doesn’t help you feel well after
you crawl WAY under the car for the 50th time.
